The Adventure of the Tree, the Mob and the Homicidal Stranger
by Idrelle Miocovani
Summary: Eugene and Rapunzel's honeymoon doesn't go exactly as planned.


**A/N: **This was written for fun one day as part of a POV writing exercise. I discovered that Eugene's voice is fun to play around with. There are two other versions of this story (one written in third person, one in second person), but I liked this one the best, so it's the one I'm sharing. Enjoy!

* * *

**The Adventure of the Tree,  
the Mob and the Homicidal Stranger**

When one imagines a honey moon, running from a horde of really angry townsfolk who think, for no apparent reason, that you've stolen the entire town treasury doesn't usually come to mind.

It definitely didn't come to my mind.

But then, my life is pretty unusual and destiny likes playing little jokes on me, so I can't say that I was entirely surprised when I found myself hiding in a tree for three hours with my wife of five days.

I might also point out that said wife and love of my life is also a princess and that, by that point, I was also a prince and we definitely didn't expect that going undercover in a foreign country to enjoy a little peace and quiet was going to put us in such a precarious situation.

For the record, this is the last time that I am ever letting Rapunzel remove the royal insignia. If someone ever accuses you of not being a prince, you better be able to _prove_ that you're a prince. When you're a prince.

Yes, I am very aware that made little to no sense. On with the story, I guess.

It was nighttime. Rapunzel and I were hiding in a tree (like I said before) and we weren't too happy about that.

Mostly we were having our first argument as husband and wife and, like many other things, we never expected to have our first argument as husband and wife while hiding in a tree from dangerous townsfolk in a foreign country when we were supposed to be on our honeymoon.

"I can't believe you got us into this!"

"_I_ got us into this?" I said. "You're the one who thought it was a _great_ idea to start climbing on the roof-tops—"

"And you're the one who thought it was a _great_ idea to start boasting about all the heists you've pulled!" Rapunzel hissed.

She had a point with that one.

I have trouble knowing when to shut my mouth.

"Hey, that's what you DO in a tavern!" I retorted. "You boast! Anyway, if _you_ hadn't insisted on removing every piece of royal insignia from—"

"Will you hush for a second? I'm trying to listen."

"I am _not_ finished defending my point here—"

"_Eugene!"_

Her tiny fist collided sharply with my shoulder in one of those "I-love-you-but-our-lives-are-in-danger-and-I-need-you-to-stop-talking" ways (I'm sure you know that way). Despite what you may have heard, I am fairly inept when it comes to balance and I promptly found myself teetering backwards while flailing my arms mid-air to try to stay on my (fairly narrow) tree branch.

"Oh _no!"_ Rapunzel squeaked.

I managed to grab on to the branch directly above my head, just as Rapunzel reached out and tried to steady me.

"I am so sorry!" she said. "Are you all right?"

I nodded and smiled, relieved that I hadn't fallen.

But just then, something caught my attention – something in the distance, but coming towards us rapidly. I caught Rapunzel's eye and pressed a finger to my lips before gesturing to the ground. She got the message immediately and clapped a hand over her mouth.

We could only hold on to our tree and cross our fingers that the commotion of my near-fall hadn't caught the eye of the stampede of villagers headed our way.

"Quickly! They haven't gone far!"

"Search the forest!"

The rumble of many, many feet charging down the path echoed through the forest. Light from their burning torches flooded through the leaves, stabbing at our eyes. Rapunzel and I stared at each other, hardly daring to breathe, our hearts pounding as we waited for the danger to pass. If any of them found us… that would be it. We had no way of proving who we were and the town would either arrest us or kill us on the spot.

While we didn't want either of those results for obvious reasons, the unsuspecting murder of a princess and her newly-wed husband in a foreign country wasn't going to fare well for international relations.

Basically, we were in quite a pickle and it wasn't just our lives that were at stake.

Now you see why I am insisting that we _never_ remove the royal insignia again. Never, ever.

After what seemed like hours, the footsteps finally faded into the distance and the normal night sounds of nocturnal forest dwellers returned to the forest.

"I think they're gone," Rapunzel whispered.

"Ah," I said, leaning in as I supported my balance with two overarching tree branches. "It's when you _think_ they're gone that they're most likely to appear and arrest you."

Rapunzel raised an eyebrow.

I knew exactly what she meant.

Such is the power of marriage.

(Mind you, we've had our silent methods of communication down for years. Never underestimate the power of the raised eyebrow.)

"Fine!" I said. "I'll check!"

Carefully, I sat down on the branch and hooked my knees around it. Slowly, I let my weight pull me backwards and I swung down in an imitation of a baby bat, keeping myself steading by hanging onto the branch with my hands. I quickly checked the forest path for signs of life.

It was exceptionally dark, dank, gloomy and empty of humans.

"Any signs of life, Oh Master Thief?"

I almost jumped with surprise when Rapunzel swung down after me. Now both of us resembled baby bats. Except hers was much more natural, of course. Somehow she's just uncannily good with precarious balancing. Maybe it's an after-effect from her magic hair.

"Empty as a cracked egg," I said.

She snorted and rolled her eyes. "Who uses an expression like that?"

"People," I said. "People use it. Don't judge—"

And then I was falling unceremoniously to the ground.

This is why you don't allow yourself to get distracted when you're hanging in a tree, imitating a baby bat with your wife.

The ground was hard and the fall had done something to my shoulder. It wasn't too bad, but it was fairly sore. I slowly got to my feet and squinted up at Rapunzel, who was shaking with silent giggles at my misfortune.

"Somehow unintentional slapstick comedy is a mandatory part of my nature, whether I like it or not!" I called.

"Talking to the trees, are we, Flynn Rider?"

I nearly jumped out of my boots with surprise. Damn. So my own words of wisdom were right. Right when you think you're safe, BAM. Some tall, hooded stranger with an obvious grudge appears out of the darkness.

Rapunzel had disappeared, back up into the tree. Good. She was fast. I folded my arms and assumed a lazy kind of position. Maybe if I looked exceptionally boring, he would leave me alone.

"The trees are particularly chatty," I said casually. "Always something new with them. Like… squirrel droppings and…" No, this was not going well. Somehow this stuff sounds better in your head than it does aloud. "…summer breezes. Fascinating stuff—"

The stranger drew his sword.

Uh oh.

I stepped back. "Oh… hey," I said, "do you mind if we put that away? It's just the trees really don't like pointy objects, they find them a little offensive—"

The stranger loomed in the darkness. "You have no idea how glad I am to be the one to find you," he growled. He raised his sword.

I raised my hands (my sword was back at the inn, otherwise you bet I would have engaged him in the most swashbuckling duel of his life) and backed away, trying to put as much distance as possible between us without getting too far from Rapunzel. Normally my trick would be to run off and give him a merry chase, but she was stuck in that tree and there was no way I was abandoning her.

Maybe if I tried my luck, I could talk this guy of out attacking me.

"No need to get hasty, friend," I said calmly. "You wouldn't want to do something you might regret later—"

"I'll have _no_ regrets in killing you," the stranger hissed.

So much for that.

"Okay, look—" I had to think quickly, but, frankly, the ideas just weren't coming. And when the ideas aren't coming, the mouth just kind of keeps talking. It's a stalling technique, okay? Don't judge me. "I don't know who you are," I continued, "and whatever it was I did, I am _sorry._ Truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I know I've done some questionable stuff in the past, but that's all behind me now. I'm reformed. Flynn Rider doesn't exist. Trust me, I had a few words with him and he's very happily retired—"

The sword flew at my head. I did what any sensible person would do and ducked.

I was starting to really struggle to keep the panic down. I had lived five years of a violence-free life, so this was my first near-death experience in a while. And, as I'm sure you're aware, my last one didn't turn out so well.

In fact, I died in the last one and it was only thanks to some seriously powerful healing magic that I was even _here_ to have my head nearly cut off by some maniac in an overly large cloak in the first place.

"Can we at least _talk _about this before you gut me?!"

"I have no words for you!"

I saw the sword coming and threw myself on the ground. Thankfully, somersaults seem to be a speciality of mine, so I was back up on my feet in no time. "Well, then, arrest me and put me on trial! Is that too much to ask?"

The air whistled as the sword swung towards me. I dodged and found myself slamming by back against the tree. I looked up, but Rapunzel was nowhere to be seen in the tangle of leaves and branches.

I faced the stranger. "Didn't anybody tell you that stabbing people is a bad way to resolve an argument?"

Apparently, this fellow was very untalkative. He was much more of the "kill first, ask questions later" variety of rogue than the "suave and intelligent" type. At this point I was frankly annoyed that I had no idea who he was (that blasted hood) and why he wanted me dead (I could place a decent guess, but still… death is a completely undoable punishment in most cases!).

True to form, he swung the sword.

Also true to form, I ducked and somersaulted away.

A guttural shriek of rage and frustration rang out through the night air so loudly I was sure every sleeping family from here to the border would wake up in confusion. When I looked back at the tree, I saw that the sword had been lodged deeply into its trunk and the stranger was desperately tugging at its hilt.

It refused to budge.

"See?" I said pleasantly. "This is why we talk about things before we try to stab people."

The stranger whirled around. "No matter," he hissed, looming over me. "I can kill you with my own hands if I must."

I'll be honest – I was shaking in my boots at this point. The guy was pretty big.

What happened next was something neither of us could have expected.

"NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!" Rapunzel shrieked as she dropped from the tree, her cloak billowing about her, and landed precisely on the stranger's shoulders. He shouted and growled, taken completely by surprise, as he tried to fling her off. But Rapunzel dug in fiercely. She knocked him over, kicked herself free and landed a well-aimed blow on his head with a large tree branch.

The stranger sank to the ground and lay motionless.

Rapunzel, tiny as she is, towered over him. "And that's the last time you mess with my husband," she hissed and dropped the tree branch on his back.

I think, by this point, my insides had turned to the consistency of jelly. I was staring, somewhat bug-eyed, at my lovely wife, who had suddenly turned herself into an acrobatic wizard.

"What are you staring at?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"…remind me not to get on your bad side."

She giggled, blushing fervently, and looked away.

"Where did you learn to do that?" I asked, crossing over to her.

She grinned, taking my hands. "I think a certain thief has rubbed off on me a teeny, tiny bit."

"I don't remember teaching you to take out thugs twice your height!"

"I improvised," Rapunzel said, embracing me tightly. She raised herself on her tiptoes and kissed me. "And unlike some princesses," she added, "I'm not afraid of breaking my nails."


End file.
